


Teach me how to love

by artsyleo



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Character Study, Episode Related, Feels, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Metaphors, Sad and Happy, Sad with a Happy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:47:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24687109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: “I don’t love you. I don’t love you, and I don’t want your love.”Nothing, nothing, Callum’s ever heard in his life hurts as much as those words when Ben spits them at him.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Kudos: 36





	Teach me how to love

**Author's Note:**

> Teach me how to love  
> And be loved   
> But, please   
> Don't teach me how to be heartbroken

“I don’t love you. I don’t love you, and I don’t want your love.”

Nothing, nothing, Callum’s ever heard in his life hurts as much as those words when Ben spits them at him. It’s oddly ironic. They’re stood in front of a Christmas tree and there are people singing Christmas carols in the background, and aren’t all those things supposed to be synonymous with family, and love, and hope? And yet right here, it feels like Callum’s having his heart ripped out and thrown to the pavement. He’s just poured himself into Ben’s hands, all of his feelings, all the things he’s been too scared to say, and Ben’s just thrown it all away. He’s been scared of the other man’s reaction for weeks, aching to tell him how it feels like his heart is starting to heal, finally, after the events of the past year. How it feels as though being with Ben has taught him how to love again, after Chris, and Whitney, and years of feeling like he was so fucking broken- Ben’s made him whole again. He’s been so scared, and now it feels like all of his fears have been realised, just like that. Because he’s told Ben that he loves him, that he’s fallen so goddamn hard for the man regardless of how everyone’s warned him away from the Mitchells, and Ben’s running away. Worse than that, he’s told Callum that he doesn’t even love him back. He doesn’t think anything in that moment could feel so painful.

Old insecurities creep into his head like little monsters he thought he’d fought back. They’re clawing away at him, and a voice that sounds too much like his dad’s is telling him that of course Ben’s turned him away, he’s unlovable, and he’s always going to feel like this, like he can never be good enough for anyone, no matter how hard he tries-

“Nah. You don’t mean that.”

Callum says it with more confidence than he truly has within him, but there’s a part of him that’s hopeful, even so. A part of him that’s praying that Ben’s going to hear his words and realise just how unworthy his dad is of all this effort, and run back into his arms. Or maybe he’ll turn around again and laugh, tell Callum that it’s all been a joke, just a Christmas prank, that there’s no secret job, that the blood was really just a ketchup stain on his shirt, because, god, that definitely feels like something Ben would do right now. But he doesn’t. Callum’s actually praying for it right then, praying for Ben to just take it all back, because he doesn’t think he can stand to be apart from Ben any more, but of course he doesn’t. He just turns, and telling Callum to “find someone else to love,” and Callum’s heart Is breaking right there, ripping itself to shreds and he’s not quite sure what to do with himself. He thinks he stands out there for quite a while- he can’t really feel his hands any more, and tears are freezing cold on his cheeks, but walking back into the warmth of the flat, a space that is so ingrained with memories of Ben, just feels like too much effort. Stuart finds him later, still stood out in the square, shivering but still looking in the direction Ben had left, something in him hoping that Ben’s going to come running back to him.

Of course, he doesn’t.

-

The one thing that Ben hates the most about himself (and, at times like this where there’s at least a whole bottle of whiskey burning through his veins, that list is as long as his arm) is how easily he can hurt people. He knows he’s been taught well by Phil, but fuck, he hates it so much. He hates that he knew exactly what to say to hurt Callum, exactly what would leave him crying out in the street, exactly what would ensure that he didn’t follow Ben, pull him back, kiss him desperately, because Ben knows that his self-restraint isn’t that strong and he’ll crack as soon as Callum’s lips touch his. Instead, he leaves himself when he’s saying those words to Callum, trying his best not to look at the other man’s face, then leaves him standing there. He deals with his dad, then goes to the minute mart and buys himself a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all in the square, almost unaware of the fact that it’s raining all around hm. He’s soaked within ten minutes, but he can’t find it in himself to care, because he just feels empty again, and he is not going to let himself think about the last time he felt like that, and he’s not going to let himself think about how that time was his fault too. But alas, he can convince himself of that all he wants, but the memories still flood his head, the same way they always do when he has this much to drink. Ironic, really- he’s drinking to try and forget Callum, and everything that Ben’s done tonight, but the other man’s all he can think about. Is he just as wrecked as Ben right now? Is he in his (their) bed, thinking about everything that Ben’s done, and every reason there is to just forget about ben, find someone normal? Or is he laughing about all this, about how he’s definitely dodged a bullet by losing Ben? Somewhere in his heart he knows that Callum would never think like that – his heart is much too pure for that – but it almost feels easier to pretend that he could be like that. Ben can take another drink, and try to forget that the last few months ever happened. Try to forget that he’s ever been happy in the first place.

After all, there is no place in his world for love, really.

-

The separation is just as hard as the split. Callum has to leave the square for Christmas, because he knows it will probably break any self-restraint he has left if he sees Ben around the square in the next week. He knows he’ll probably break if he sees the other man, just run over to him and beg for Ben to love hi again, or at least just pretend.

Ben doesn’t fare any better. It feels like he’s losing himself in his dad’s plans, and Callum’s voice is a constant at the back of his head, telling him that he’s better than this. He drinks to drown it out. He’s aware it’s not the most constructive of solutions, but anything to stop hearing Callum’s voice whisper lies to him. Because he’s not better than this, he’s a Mitchell. No amount of loving or forgiveness is going to eradicate that. He is good for no-one, his father’s drilled that into him, and maybe it’s time he took some notice.

-

The minute Callum comes back, it’s like every bit of restraint either of them have had just dissolves in a look. They don’t even have to say anything to each other- there’s a tension burning between them, and they can’t tear their eyes away. Ben knows in his head that it isn’t the most creative solution to getting over the other man (can’t get over him so he gets under him, how cliché) but his will just burns away as soon as Callum’s lips touch his, and there’s no hope of either of them stopping. Callum pushes him back onto the desk, and they’re gone.

-

It takes Callum a lot to trust him again.

It takes almost having to leave everyone he loves for Ben to realise he can’t live without Callum.

This whole being-in-love thing, it takes and it takes and it takes. But it’s all worth it for the way that Callum smiles when Ben tells him that he loves him for the first time. It’s all worth it for the feeling of waking up wrapped in each other forever. It’s all worth it for the day when Lexi calls Callum ‘daddy Cal’, and it just feels so right that it brings tears to Ben’s eyes, because this is what he’s been looking for.

It takes time, but the both of them, they teach each other how to love again.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my entry for the tumblr ballum week day 5 prompt! I had like three different ideas for this prompt, but two are going to turn into longer fics, that I definitely will try and post at some point... anyways hope you enjoyed this! I had to watch the Christmas break up again for it and I'm emotional :')   
> Stay safe!   
> Leo <3 (come yell at me on tumblr @artsy-highway)


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